Just in case you were wondering, I'm still alive.  I don't update here, because I have another blog that I use more frequently.  I still can't give you that weblink though because it's very personal, and I only let a few people read it.

But yes.  I'm alive.

This is copied from my other blog because I don't feel like typing it again.

 

Yesterday, I stayed in bed again. This morning when I woke up, I was holding my own hand, so I either dreamed something really good, or I was subconsciously telling myself it'll be okay. I also went to my mom's house and made chili. It was very very very good. I got the leftovers. I'd eat those for dinner, but I've got some marjoram chicken that needs to be made. I might fry that up. Haven't had fried chicken in a while. I make goooooood food. Anyway. This was not a blog about food. Although it could become a food blog. Use it to show off my cooking prowess (Anyone else think about a lion when they hear that word?).

The main point of this blog is to tell you that I have decided not to kill myself. Now, I know that seems like something logical and many will ask why I even bother thinking about it. Well, first of all, you're not me. Secondly, when one is depressed, you become completely engrossed in the badness about yourself. I'm sure that my good/average feeling is going to go away sometime soon, but I'm not worried about that right now. Right now, I'm pleased to say I won't die because of my own design. The way I discovered my naivete was when I was thinking about my future obligations. I'm signed up to take an exam in June. I was frustrated because I thought "oh, I'd better wait to kill myself until after that exam."

I know what you're thinking. I realized it almost immediately after that thought. "Why does it matter if you take that test if you're dead?" It seemed so simple. It seemed so elementary. But that's the thing. When you're so wrapped up in the bad, you lose track of what good is. I graduate next year. I graduate college next year. I realized (I've had a lot of these realizations lately) that this is a huge accomplishment. Huge. Some people didn't even graduate high school that I went to elementary school with.

So the point of this rambly little thing is to say I will be okay. Yesterday, I felt cold. All the way through. The bone numbing cold of forgotten happiness. Then when I remembered I can't succeed if I'm dead -- again, that sounds so incredibly simple -- my coldness seemed to evaporate. I smiled. Then went to bed and woke up feeling really really good.

So, it's been quite a while since I last updated this here Xanga thang. I do have a blog on blogspot, but that's more a personal one. Even though I'm sure there are people who've read what I say. I'm only updating just a little this morning though because I have to get dressed. I'm going to the bank, and the Bureau of Motor Vehicles so I can update my license and get money to pay for my carrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Yes, I'm pretty positive I'm getting a car on Monday. I want to name it, but I don't know what to name it. Then again, ya can't name the baby before you have it, eh?

I'm content with life right now. I'm pretty solid in my happiness and I'm also pretty content with where my life is going. Everest loves me, and I love him and we're going along splendidly.

I have an appointment with my therapist coming up soon, and we're going to talk about some stuff. Every time I go I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish speaking, but I never get to accomplish those because I always end up talking about something completely different.